Oh Unholy Night
by redsky100
Summary: The title says it all; it's an Akatsuki Crack-fic Christmas two-shot!
1. Chrismas Eve

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the other characters in any way, shape or form…sigh**

**Oh Unholy Night**

Summary: The title says it all; it's an Akatsuki Crack-fic Christmas two-shot!

**Christmas Eve**

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><p>Pain had been tinkering with the idea of Christmas which spread good-will and peace on Earth etc. for some time now. The rain shinobi thought that maybe he could take a step back from his bring-peace-through-pain idea and give it a try; well, Konan had actually dared him but the former reason sounded much more insightful. Anyways, if this Saint Nicholas could convert the members of the Akatsuki then perhaps there was hope for the rest of the world.<p>

Pain contemplated his idea further after sending Konan to summon his delightful band of criminals.

The duo of Itachi and Kisame were last to arrive in the meeting room thanks to Kisame who insisted on watching the last couple of minutes of H2O Just Add Water while repainting his nails (because Purple Blurple Berry Crush #5 made him look so much more intimidating). Leader was absent but Konan stood quietly by his big-ass throne. (Yes, that's what all the money was going, that and Pain's many piercings)

Baleful onyx eyes quietly scanned the room taking in all the room's other occupants. Deidara was for the umpteenth time trying to wring the life out of Tobi, Kakuzu and Hidan were once again at each other's throats; apparently the silver haired shinobi had broken into one of Kakuzu's many safes to purchase some ghastly artifact needed for one of his ritual sacrifices to Jashin, though the Uchiha merely thought this was some ploy to set off Kakuzu since the rain-nin could have just stolen the item. Itachi was mildly curious as to why the former Yugakure-nin was still alive, it was no secret that Kakuzu loved money fiercely and hated spending it, and the fact that they still relied on candles as a light source in majority of the rooms and had no hot water was testament to that.

Kakuzu was at the moment sowing every religious symbol known to man and several to the fish-nin of the Land Hidden in the Mist into the skin of the now unconscious Hidan. The Jashin follower may be immortal but even he would succumb to being bludgeoned in the head fifty times, Itachi had counted.

Moving down the line of their merry little psychotic group, Kisame was talking to Samehada (nothing new there), the black and white sides of Zetsu were conversing with each other about something the Uchiha wouldn't bother to give a rat's ass about since he heard the words 'garden rose', 'hot' and 'good-time.' Deciding he didn't want to further emotionally scar himself he determinedly fixed his gaze to Leader's throne hoping to whatever god would listen that the shinobi would hurry up already.

When Leader finally arrived the room went quiet except for the sound of Kakuzu repeatedly kicking Hidan with a "wake up idiot!" thrown in.

Once the Leader had everyone's attention he let his gaze flit across each member before settling in one direction where he could look at everyone at once, "I have been thinking long and hard about this and have finally come to the conclusion that it is time to celebrate Christmas."

Several crickets that were brave enough to take residence in the Akatsuki compound made themselves known.

After a long pause in which the crickets got bored then left to have a party in Tobi's room, Itachi, as emotionless as ever and in mono tones, expounded the whole thing so he would have a justifiable reason to flee the organization once and for all. Konoha and his foolish little brother's well-being could rot in the hell they placed themselves before he'd stooped this low. "So what you're saying is that we, the Akatsuki, a notorious blood thirsty band of S-ranked criminals are to allow some overweight elf to break into our home and instead of stealing our belongings he shall leave presents?"

"Yes." Leader sat straighter in his big-ass throne, "we will also partake in the Secret Santa."

It was then that the Sharingan wielder was sure without a shadow of a doubt that Leader was well and truly off his rocker, in fact his was so far off his rocker that the Uchiha was sure that the man wasn't even aware he had a rocker. Just by the fact alone that Leader wanted this celebration in the middle of the summer season despite the well known fact that the Christmas celebrations were to occur in the height of the winter season; he wasn't even touching the fact that he wanted the _Akatsuki_ to celebrate it.

His other associates were none too quiet in expressing their views.

"You're fucking insane!" Hidan was bloody faced and was scarcely covered by the remainder of his Akatsuki robe from his earlier spat with Kakuzu and was either totally unaware of the various religious symbols that now criss-crossed his body or just didn't care at the moment. However, Leader ignored his input and the missing-nin would later thank Jashin in retrospect.

Kakuzu was silently seething at the amount of money they would have to spend but not even he would openly defy Leader unlike a certain immortal rain-nin Jashinist moron, he just wasn't that stupid or nor even remotely immortal. He calmly took a couple paces away from his idiot partner just in case Leader changed his mind and decided to retaliate.

"Tobi likes the idea!" The masked shinobi was clapping like the lunatic he was then gesturing madly at the blond bomber.

His blond partner narrowed his blue eye at Tobi, "You would." though he voiced no objections of his own.

Kisame didn't really care as long as he could still kill people afterwards and Tobi stayed the hell away from him.

Zetsu just gave a nonchalant shrug though he was secretly more excited than Tobi at the prospect of celebrating Christmas for another reason entirely.

Konan was as stoic as ever and Leader had one of those vague faraway looks babies got when they went number 2.

The crickets found Tobi's secret stash of sake and rejoiced at their good fortune. (I mean come on, there is no way he can be that damn happy all the time without being on something!)

We were led around the circle of ninjas back to Itachi, who thought this was no doubt a waste of time and money because as far as he was concerned as, they were all psychotic lunatics that were destined and cursed by whatever god out there to rot for all eternity in hell. No amount of Christmas cheer would save them from fate. A fate which he had decided to accept because there was no way in hell he would ever go back to living with civilians; he would never admit this out loud to anyone but fangirls unnerved him (because saying the word scared would make him sound like a ninny and he was anything but), add ninja skills to the mix and they became a danger to his very existence. He could trap them in Tsukuyomi but not even he had that much chakra reserves. Long story short he was in this for the long haul.

Konan passed a small bag around the room from which the Akatsuki members drew a little slip of paper until all of them are holding one. A few grumbles echoed around the room as the men and Konan look at the names scrawled across the parchment, except for Tobi who decided to break out in dance.

Leader's voice silenced Tobi's happy dance that looked vaguely like a rain dance but I'm no expert, "The point is that you now have to buy a special Christmas present for the name written on the paper. (Kakuzu's eye twitches) And no one is allowed to know whose name you have. The identity is supposed to remain a _secret_ until Christmas Day."

Hidan who makes it a point to oppose Leader at every turn snatches and looks at Kakuzu's paper.

After a long pause in which a slight breeze passed through the room which was strange considering that no windows were in the area_, _Konan gave a dry cough which caused Leader to come blinking out of another one of his dazed stupors, "We shall begin preparations immediately. Tonight shall be the Eve of Christmas so we most gather the necessary decorations and cookies to ensure the Santa Claus' arrival, do not fail me. You all are dismissed."

Tobi jumped up and pointed in no particular direction, "To the store!"

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><p>The trip to the store and back was uneventful and went off without a hitch…pfft as if! Here's what <em>really <em>happened…

The Akatsuki Christmas items retrieval group consisted of Kakuzu (because he'd be damned if he let the others run loose in a store with his money), Hidan (because he wanted to piss off Kakuzu and try to buy the most expensive things possible), Itachi, Kisame and Deidara (because Leader threatened them to), and Tobi (because he follows his senpai where ever he goes). Well he doesn't try to follow Deidara into the bathroom anymore, after that first mistake let's just say Tobi will never look at another tooth brush the same way again and leave it at that. Tobi still has nightmares of that terrible day…

Zetsu was in the forest choosing (Read: molesting) the would-be Christmas tree.

Konan was absent her excuse being because she felt like it and had better things to do than to waste her free day babysitting a bunch of manic lunatics. She was last seen marching determinedly to her room with the latest copy of the Icha Icha Series. (We all know Konan's a little perverted freak!)

Upon their immediate arrival several people ran screaming for their lives some of which slammed into light poles in their crazed state, knocking them unconscious. Others, mostly fangirls stayed and tried to pinch Itachi's ass or at the very least take a picture of the missing-nin…well good luck with that!

The orange masked-nin immediately ran through all the isles asking on the top of his lungs if he could have every toy or sugary sweet he came upon. Deidara tried to knock him out with his exploding doves because if he tried to kill him Leader would kick his ass from here to the netherworld.

Itachi, after deciding he didn't want to stay for the upcoming mega explosion he knew Deidara would cause did an about face and headed to the nearest café with Kisame skipping after him. Okay, so Kisame didn't actually skip but the way he always followed the Uchiha made one think he skipped, but he's following Itachi so who would blame him for skipping? But ninja's didn't skip; especially giant man-shark missing mist-nins…no matter how much they wanted to. It was just too undignified unlike wearing nail polish and robes with poufy red clouds on it; that was definitely acceptable.

The Sharingan wielder paused momentarily as Kakuzu saw if fit to yell that he better not spend all his money on some chocolaty girly frou-frou drink but the Uchiha just looked at him in a way that made sure you knew he was calling you 'foolish' then disappeared with half the female population and a few males gushing after him.

In under an hour and several traumatized civilians later, Kakuzu unwillingly paid for their purchases which included a box of Christmas ornaments, Sally Hansen's 4Ever Chic Nail Polish Collection and Motions Shampoo and Conditioning Kit along with the Secret Santa presents. Why they paid for the items instead of steeling them was all thanks to Leader who said that Santa knew all and wouldn't visit if they stole. (However, blackmail, mass homicide and the pursuit of world domination was easily overlooked) His reason was obviously flawed or meant that Santa would not be making any impromptu visits to the mass murders' abode. The authoress would have tried to reason with Leader-sama but seeing how she loved to retain her mortality and sanity she thought it best not to.

Anyways, how the ninjas managed to get hard-up Kakuzu to loosen his grip on the purse strings was all thanks to Hidan, who by a series of unfortunate events which led to him doing his own laundry, discovered the waterfall missing-nin's fetish for wearing women's underwear. He took great liberty and glee in reminding his partner of this fact.

Kakuzu would later in his candle-lit room silently weep at the loss of his old friends; the famous family and their relatives that all went by the common name of Yen.

Once they were over the crest of a hill that border the village, Deidara paused looking at the sad scene left behind. It wasn't enough that they had traumatized over half the village's population and destroyed several landmarks and prominent buildings, oh no, the blond bomber didn't think this was nearly enough so he let loose his C4 bomb on the unsuspecting village claiming that he liked the dancing lights and screams of flaming villagers.

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><p>Later…<p>

When the group finally arrived at the Akatsuki compound, they split up to begin the decorating. Konan was making boughs of holly and lanterns with her paper origami jutsu, after Leader threatened to have Itachi burn her stash of Icha Icha. Itachi and Kisame were putting up the lanterns; since Kakuzu drew the line at wasting electricity. Leader was locked in his room reading mangas under the guise of doing '_research'_. (Perverts I tell yah, every last one of them. Except for Itachi, he was acting for the sake of his foolish 'ungrateful' little brother)

Deidara wandered around the Akatsuki compound with Tobi in tow simply because despite his incredibly high level of genius, he could not come up with a way to get rid of him, permanently that is without getting in trouble with Leader. Though why the red haired man wanted this nuisance around was beyond the blond's own understanding.

The blond paused with Tobi nearly bumping into him to take in the redecorated room.

There was a sorry looking pine tree in the middle of the room that was guarded fiercely by Zetsu who was also adorning it with a few ornaments. Half its needles were missing and a person-like shape was visible at one side of the tree…_okay_.

Tobi took off running (Read: bouncing) around the room screaming that he was a good boy and that he would receive the most gifts from the elf with a weight problem to Hidan, who was setting out cookies and milk.

Hidan had become aware that this Santa Claus person had existed for a very, very long time so the rain-nin had finally come to the conclusion that perhaps he was a Jashin follower like himself, thus allowing him to live for so long through the grace of Jashin. Though why he supposedly spread good-will and gave away presents instead of slaughtering the unsuspecting fools as an offering to the mighty Jashin, creating death and destruction like all good little Jashinist were supposed to do was a question that baffled him greatly. Perhaps his fellow brethren had lost his way or this was Hidan's chance to right Santa Claus' millennia of wrongs by offering him to the great Jashin. Either way he was determined to capture this Santa Claus and have a few words with him or kill him, which ever method pleased Jashin the most. This was why the cookies of which the elf demanded as exchange for the presents were laced with extra strength paralysis drugs made from Zetsu's special herb supply.

Hopefully the man-plant would be too caught up with his latest conquest – the Christmas tree to notice the missing narcotics. Hidan shivered slightly, he along with several of the Akatsuki were greatly disturbed by Zetsu's interest with the prickly tree; he didn't even know plants could get territorial much less have sex!

Kakuzu, the lazy bum he is, was '_supervising'_ which was the universal code for slacking off.

"Kakuzu you ass, why the hell did you buy these?" he inquired spitefully gesturing at the various decorations, the very image of the things were grating on his nerves since they were at odds with his artistic views. The reindeers were way too happy and the snowmen weren't covered in nearly enough blood, the colours clashed; the shapes and placements –ack! Deidara couldn't allow himself to go on any longer further upsetting himself. He had been too busy chasing after Tobi to notice the selections made.

"Tobi thought it was a good pick," was Kakuzu's reply. Yeah right, more like he got them at a bargain price from Dumpsters R Us!

But it was at that moment Deidara found himself ripping his gaze away from the prancing masked shinobi to cast a dubious look his other masked associate. Taking a few paces away from the man the blond was now more than ever unnerved by Kakuzu, I mean seriously, who in their right mind takes advice from _Tobi?_

"…_Really_, I saw him clapping at his own reflection the other day, plus there's his stupid mask he's so attached to; you sure his opinion about _anything_ let alone style is good, un?"

When Deidara thought about it he got really mad; Kakuzu sought opinions on decor from Tobi of all people when _he_ the resident master of all things artful was ignored. If Kakuzu thought his bitching was marginally through he had another thing coming, yeah!

By the time Deidara was good and done (weeks later, kidding! More like hours but to Deidara it felt like weeks) Kakuzu had lost hearing in his left ear and the rest of his sanity had packed up and flown north; though that would have happened _if _Kakuzu was stupid enough _to_ stay put and listen.

Still lost in his bitch-mode, Deidara failed to notice the former waterfall-nin vacate the room. But when did Tobi even have time to give suggestions when he was supposed to be dodging his bombs? Deidara thought that now more than ever that something was dangerously of that pest.

Tobi decided to use shadow clones and stationed one at every doorway which coincidentally had mistletoe hanging above them. (Hey, you would too if you knew that some of the hottest men alive though psychotically disturbed in some way passed through those doorways) Unfortunately for Tobi said men and Konan didn't appreciate the obvious come on and destroyed the plants with deranged delight. Zetsu was too busy fondling the Christmas tree to notice the massacre of his fallen brethren, who stood absolutely no chance.

Tobi also wanted to go caroling but leader didn't want to alert neighbouring shinobi from the other villages to the location of their hideout. (As if Deidara's C4 bomb didn't do the job…oh well)

Hidan proceeded to call Leader a cowardice asshole that was a desgrace to Jashin and his followers everywhere.

An hour later, Kakuzu, Zetsu and Tobi were sent to recover the Jashin worshipper's dismembered body parts from the four corners of the Land of Fire.

Later in the evening, after the corruption of several Christmas songs, well Tobi was the only one singing ergo the corruption of said songs; the others were contemplating which idea would garner them a quick death: an attempted coup against Leader for putting them through this or killing Tobi for generally being alive. All were close to tears except Itachi, he's too cool to cry, Hidan who said he would be closer to Jashin through baring the pain and Deidara who had long since passed out hours ago from the assault to his ears. Kakuzu was using the blond's hair as leg warmers.

Well into the clutches of night, Leader finally announced that it was time to turn in after Konan had glared at him indicating that he should stop being an ass already. Kisame had created a nice crack in the wall by banging his head against it to make the Tobi sounding voices in his head stop, the cracks looked like the big dipper constellation at a glance.

The others soon after Leader's announcement retired for the night with Hidan standing guard by the chimney that miraculously appeared sometime during the day. Itachi dragged the whimpering Kisame out of the room followed by Leader, Konan, Kakuzu and Tobi who carried his unconscious senpai to his room screaming a good night and Merry Christmas every few steps that was ignored by all which left the Christmas tree to the mercy of a horny Zetsu.

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><p>redsky100: I think that's it for this chapter, part two is well underway but I'm a bit stuck on what presents Santa should give Hidan, Zetsu, Konan and Pain. I've got Tobi, Itachi and Kisame down, any suggestions?<p>

Sally Hansen and Motions are real but as far as I know the Collection stated in the fic is totally made up.

Don't forget to review as well and if it's not too much trouble could you tell me the following:

(1) what part you liked and why,

(2) what part you didn't like and why.


	2. Christmas Morning

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or the other characters in any way, shape or form…fortunately for them! **

**Oh Unholy Night**

Summary: The title says it all; it's an Akatsuki Crack-fic Christmas two-shot!

Warning: Lots of swearing. It's not me it's the characters I swear!

"**Blah, blah, blah"** stands for Black Zetsu talking.

redsky100: thanks for the reviews, here's part two.

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><p><strong>Christmas Morning<strong>

The residents of the Akatsuki usually loved to wake up on their own to be greeted by the quiet misty morning of dawn, its skies painted in the rainbow hue created by the rays of sunrise; where the nocturnal animals retreated from the rising rays of sunlight while the diurnal animals embraced it. All the Akatsuki members, despite their various levels of badassness liked this phenomenon occurrence; they will deny this of course, if you're stupid enough to ask them, and then they will proceed to torture and/or kill you for even thinking such things while the crickets make popcorn and tell every creature in a thirty mile radius to come watch the show. Except Deidara, he loved sleeping in and Kakuzu, he wanted to wake up in a pile of money, however, both will proceed to torture _then_ kill you for looking in their direction. But that's not the point, Tobi the resident good boy had decided it would be one of his many good deeds for the day to wake up the compound's occupants on this most magical of days starting with his dear own senpai.

"DEIDARA-SENPAI! IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING WAKE – ARGH! UGH!"

Remember how I said Deidara loved sleeping in? Well it was an understatement, Deidara _LOVED_ sleeping in. It was the norm for most of the Akatsuki members to wake up early if they even went to sleep at all; Deidara, unless he had a mission, didn't even think of budging until the crack of noon. So right now at 3:30 in the morning, he had Tobi's throat in a death grip but the only thing making him release the annoying shinobi with his trachea and life intact was Leader's threats.

A bloodshot blue eye met the orange masked man's mask, "Tobi go away, un."

"But-"

"AWAY!"

With a sniff Tobi walked out of his senpai's room and made his way to Itachi's pausing only when he thought of, with a shudder, the last time he went into Itachi-sama's room uninvited. (As if he'd ever _be_ invited!) Hidan and the crickets had teased him mercilessly when he regained consciousness a week later while Kisame had laughed himself into a two day coma. Tobi still couldn't look at a pinwheel without his body going into violent spasms. But this was Christmas, Itachi-sama wouldn't mind…right?

The crickets were just waking up from the party they had the day before and had a massive hangover; one that rivaled even the likes of those Lady Tsunade was capable of. But they were just sober enough to realize that there was a disturbance the Force…knowing that this was 99.999% Tobi related they immediately started calling their friends to watch the day's mayhem be unleashed.

Tobi pushed his head through the door way, "ITACHI-SA!"

A kunai lodged itself in the door-jam a few inches away from Tobi's head and from under the rumpled bed sheet, a pale hand with freshly polished finger nails was poised to throw another kunai, this time one that was laced with poison. Tobi, slowly as if not to antagonize the Uchiha any further, retracted his masked head from the still dark room with a quiet, "Tobi will wake everybody else."

Having quickly recovered from one of his many near death incidents, Tobi ran merrily to the bedroom of another Akatsuki member. Having learnt absolutely nothing from his earlier attempts at waking up his fellow associates, Tobi barged right into Kisame's room only to run right back out when faced with the angry groggy eyed man-shark who was wildly flailing Samehada.

Miles away from the enraged missing mist-nin stood Tobi gasping to catch his breath. He didn't even look at Leader's bedroom door; not even he was that stupid!

Konan was already awake and was in the kitchen sipping tea thinking of possible hiding places she could move her stash of Icha Icha. After much deliberation in which she eliminated a church, the crawl space under the rain village ninja school's floor boards and their old hide out in Ame, Konan settled on hiding them under Leader's bed. Yes, not even her childhood friend would think to look there! The rain-nin rarely slept as he was busy plotting the downfall of the tailed beast holders, that or lost in many his daydreams of sharing his pain with the world.

Zetsu, instead of guarding his deflowered (in so many questionable and disturbing ways) Christmas tree, was curled beside a snoring Hidan who was propped up against his triple bladed scythe. The Christmas tree was glad for the respite, though it wasn't sure how much longer it had left in this cruel, miserable world and was hoping to die before Zetsu caught his thirtieth wind. Kakuzu was standing above the sleeping duo with a camera and a grin that screamed blackmail when Tobi wondered into the room.

A few minutes later Hidan was woken up by the sound of nearby snickers, his silver hair mussed and eyes bloodshot oblivious to his sleeping partner (and he calls himself a shinobi). Kakuzu and Tobi were looking at something on the table and were the source of said snickers. Konan made up the third portion of their little group and though not as jovial as the other two she had a glimmer in her amber eyes. Scratching the minuscule nubs of his morning stubble the missing-nin thought idly to himself, he was sure he had mysteriously passed out somewhere around two in the morning and had not sensed any sign of the intruding elf while trying his best to block out the disturbing sounds of Zetsu (1).

Bleary purple eyes scanned the room while yawning noticing the missing cookies, "Where the hell is that red blimp, did I catch him?"

Kakuzu let out a snort and sent the silver haired missing-nin an amused look, "You caught someone alright!"

Just then Hidan glanced to the right and _finally _noticed the sleeping man-plant who was curled around his waist. (How he missed that I will never know) "GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME YOU MUTANT HEATHEN!"

White Zetsu's eye flicked tiredly around the room while Black Zetsu was glaring at the fuming missing Yugakure-nin a tad bit testily as he had been forcefully evicted from his much needed slumber. The man-plant-thing gave Hidan a rough shove, **"I was here first you psychotic fuck-wad! You move!"**

Hidan not one for taking physical abuse without exacting retribution (or screaming about the many joys of being a Jashinist to those unwilling to listen), proceeded to strangle Zetsu; well he tried to strangle the humanoid plant. Every time he reached for Zetsu's neck the Venus flytrap-like appendage would snap close so he settled for repeatedly kicking the plant-like shinobi while Zetsu threw a few kunai at the silver haired missing-nin, both refused to move from that spot before the other. (Childish I know but you should see them fight over whose turn it was to pick the film of the week for movie night)

Konan was trying a failing miserably to school her face back to its normally supremely bored yet expressionless look while Kakuzu was thinking about the millions he'd make on selling the pictures of the two slumbering shinobi on eBay.

Tobi, oblivious to the crickets' ever increasing glee, wondered over to stand before the quarreling duo, "Oh, Hidan-san it is such a pity that you and Zetsu-san are now awake, since Tobi thought you and Zetsu-san looked sooo cute together!"

"…" Konan's amber eyes flicked to masked shinobi thinking smugly to herself that the orange masked shinobi was so dead. Oh well, but at least she would now be one million yen richer thanks to her and Leader's bet! Leader and Konan had wagered that one of the Akatsuki would try to kill Tobi over the _Christmas_ _Holiday_; the purpled haired rain-nin had bet that they would try to kill Tobi while Leader had bet against it. Konan with a rear smirk had reminded him that though he forbade the missing-nins from killing Tobi, the masked-nin was an annoying little bugger and all their associates were inclined to committing murder on anything that even remotely bothered them. In fact Konan knew that Deidara thought Itachi had killed his best friend Shisui just because the older Uchiha had dared to show him his latest edition of the Icha Icha Series of that time (2). The blond had on so many occasions told Konan that the fact that Itachi got the Mangekyo Sharingan after the kill was sheer coincidence; this was never spoken of in front of the Uchiha of course. However, Leader calmed himself with the thought that he was a supremely badass god whose word was law and should be fiercely obeyed; hence he would be the victor.

"…" Kakuzu was too busy counting his money to care.

"…" White Zetsu marveled that someone actually thought he was cute.

"**Take that back you little creep!" **Black Zetsu was pissed that someone, especially that crazy lunatic, thought he was cute. There was no way he would allow that fruit-loop to ruin his tough man-plant image! Plus crazed Jashinist idiots were _so_ not his type. (That special spot was reserved for the defenseless shrubs and trees which was more his forte *shudders*)

"WHY YOU FUCKING LITTLE PERVERT!" Hidan's purple eyes were ablaze at the implication as his took one menacing step after another towards the still oblivious shinobi. The missing Yugakure-nin was, on hindsight, actually ecstatic that the buffoon had made that statement. He had come to the conclusion that his highly revered (by no one but him) god Jashin had been neglected in his hunt for the elusive Santa Claus. The silver haired missing-nin had decided that Tobi would be the first of many offerings to his ruler though he was sad that his first offering for the day would be this pathetic idiot; the great Jashin deserved nothing but the best but his murderous impulses weren't very choosy at the moment. Seething amethyst eyes zeroed in on the surprisingly still oblivious Tobi as Hidan prepared for the beat down of the century, "I'll bathe in your entrails, the mighty Lord Jashin will feast on - "

"**JUST SHUT UP AND KILL HIM ALREADY!"**

The masked ninja astonishingly awoke several hours later around noon miles away from the Akatsuki compound. He spent several more hours following the skid mark that looked more like a deep trench back to their hideout, trying to remove all the pine needles and even then he still didn't get them all out of his robe by the time Leader assembled them to open their presents; who knew a Christmas tree could double as a lethal weapon? But Tobi, as always should have known that an Akatsuki, namely Hidan, could take _anything_ and make it a weapon of mass destruction.

The only thing that saved Tobi from meeting Jashin and beyond was when Zetsu finally realized Hidan was using his beloved Christmas tree as his choice weapon of punishment. Sad to say the Christmas tree didn't survive the several hundred blows to Tobi's person and would have smiled as it slipped into oblivion, if it had a mouth, at the thought that it would no longer suffer the onslaught of Zetsu's advances.

The crickets held a funeral at the end of the day at which the man-plant-thing said he would never forget the Christmas tree…he was seen with Mrs. Yamanaka's rose bush the very next day by her cat who now mourns the loss of its eye sight.

Later that day, Leader ordered everyone to retrieve their presents when he finally remembered the bet after watching Stefano and E.J. unleash some stupid scheme on the unsuspecting town of Salem, for the umpteenth time on Days of Our Lives. As stated earlier the two rain-nins had wagered that one of the Akatsuki would try to kill Tobi over the two day period; the purpled haired rain-nin had bet that they would try to kill Tobi while Leader had bet against it. After, the little altercation in which Konan was sure her victory was secured which turned out to be a total bust when the biggest pest on this side of the universe staggered through the gaping hole in the wall through which Hidan had sent him flying, the disappointed rain-nin went to remind Leader of the day's events of the unwrapping of gifts. Feeling her good mood rise but refusing to let it reflect externally because smiles were for hyperactive blonds with too much energy for their own good and maniacal laughter was pretty much ruined by Hidan, Konan rounded up the other shinobi and was sure this would result in another murder attempt on the masked shinobi. Yes, she would win the bet and the money; then finally the Icha Icha Collector's Edition, the Insider's Guide and that new piercing and body art she wanted would be hers!

As all of the Akatsuki members had assembled in the redecorated room, Itachi had settled himself beside Kisame, legs crossed at the ankle to take in this dreaded of days. Kakuzu and Hidan sat opposite of the first two on a two bean bag chairs (3), the missing waterfall-nin was trying to drown out the sound of his complaining partner with the sound of hard stolen cash from another neighbouring village. A somber Zetsu was crouched in a corner bemoaning the fate of his precious and massacred Christmas tree. A few feet away stood Tobi who was curiously prodding at the mysterious purple cloud of angst that surrounded the man-plant-thing. He eventually got bored when he got no reaction, positive or negative Tobi wasn't picky then left to skip around his senpai, "Deidara-senpai! Aren't you glad today is Christmas?"

"Shut up, un!" the blond still hadn't forgiven Tobi for last night's torture and this morning's intrusion, in fact he made a promise to himself to never forgive the sick god out there who allowed Tobi to be born as well as adding that god, whomever he/she/it may be, to his 'Must kill' list (…_yeah_, seriously good luck with that). His blue eye narrowed at the still prancing shinobi, he honestly couldn't care less about Christmas and his secret Santa presents as he was busily stabbing a clay sculpture that shared a striking resemblance to his partner, Tobi.

As the blond stabbed the little carving with a senbon and sent a few narrowed glances at the still prattling shinobi, the Uchiha could have sworn he heard a few muttered 'why isn't this working, un?' from the blond as he gave it a particularly hard jab to what looked like the carving's head.

Emotionless Sharingan eyes shifted to the mutilated remnants of the Christmas tree. Random and bizarrely decorated boxes of all shapes and sizes littered where the macerated the tree used to be; most were wrapped with the common red and green paper associated Santa Claus or reindeer while others where hideous eyesore of a mismatch of tape, twine and dirty brown paper. Itachi pondered why the elf was the poster thing of Christmas when it was the death of the Jesus Christ was the supposed focus of the celebration but he supposed not many people would enjoy getting a gift with a picture of a bloody half-dead Jew on a cross as décor on the wrapping paper (4). The Uchiha was puzzled, not an emotion he was normally acquainted with nor liked in the least since Uchihas were supposed to be know-it-all badasses, and wondered how anyone had managed to find the hidden Akatsuki hideout when all living members were present and sneaked presents under the Christmas tree without facing the wrath of Zetsu or being severely mutilated by Hidan.

The Uchiha blinked out of his musings when Konan began distributing the presents from Santa Claus. The shinobi were all wary, though they would rather kiss Tobi (shudders) than admit it, of what could possibly be in the boxes deposited by the elf with enviable ninja skills.

The gifts are as follows in no particular order:

Itachi got a cane and a pair of dark glasses which he promptly incinerated with Amaterasu;

Kisame got a pack of extra strength soap which he threw at Tobi's head, however, at that same moment Tobi bent down to pick up a shiny penny. Kakuzu promptly took it from him along with the soap.

Deidara got a book titled, 'Sensible Art for Dummies'. This too was hurled at the masked ninja only to miss when Tobi at that moment sneezed causing him to heave forward.

Zetsu got a contagious plant disease as payback for the Christmas tree (5)

Konan got a tank full of nitrous oxide a.k.a. laughing gas. (N.B. you can actually die laughing if you inhale too much for too long without medical intervention)

Leader got a lifetime gift certificate to anger management seminars and a free room, paid in full at the Bellevue Institute for the Clinically Insane.

Hidan got a note from Santa; it read:

_Dear Murderous Psychotic Fugitive,_

_It has been brought to my attention by the crickets that you have intentions of murdering me but that wasn't necessary as I KNOW EVERYTHING. Let me be the one to tell you that said plans for my death at your hands are futile as I've said before, .EVERYTHING. Especially about Mr. Huggykins, teddy bears are for babies you homicidal loon, no matter how much skulls with cross bones and blood you put on it. You won't even die a really cool death _(6)_ so get a real job or better yet hold hands and jump! _

_Tell Shikamaru I said hi and by the way your ass is grass;_

_St, Nick. _

_P.S. Jashinism is not a real religion. LIKE DUH! Even Tobi knows that._

_P.P.S. It was so obvious that you spiked the cookies…pfft moron! Good luck figuring out which food __**I**__ hid them in, Merry Christmas Bitches!_

Wondering how the hell the fat man knew about Mr. Huggykins, Hidan ripped the letter into millions of itty bitty pieces and was no less determined to find and kill this Shikamaru along with St. Nick or Santa Claus, whoever the hell he was, why can't he pick one name and stick with it? Whatever shut up…WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE!

While Hidan was having yet another psychotic break through, his fifth for the day to be precise, the first being this morning when he went totally agro on Tobi's ass with the Christmas tree, the second was when he found out that Deidara used the last of his L'OREAL 212 Sexy Men After Shave Lotion, the third had been around lunch when he repeatedly stabbed the toaster with a kunai his excuse being that it was looking at him funny and the fourth just a few hours ago because Kakuzu was ignoring him so he was therefore bored, anyways, Kakuzu unwrapped his present to see that he got a lump of coal; though we all knew he deserved a lot more than that but he'd probably make a fortune from selling it.

Tobi got a rope to hang himself with. It said so on the tag.

After the unwrapping of Santa Claus' gifts Leader decided to move onto more activities, "It is now time to exchange the secret Santa gifts." Konan flicked her amber gaze at the masked shinobi who was at the moment playing with his rope thinking this was sure to prompt someone into killing Tobi.

While everyone let out groans, Kakuzu was busy rounding up all the discarded gifts from Santa in a bag labeled 'For Sale', except for Tobi's of course; the man loved money but he hated Tobi's existence even more. A frightful revelation yes but truthful none the less. The masked man had on more than one occasion burnt the waterfall missing-nin's money claiming that he was cold and that Hidan-san told him that money kept Kakuzu warm at night. Let's not forget all the money spent on repairs when Deidara went on his must-kill-Tobi sprees. Yep, Kakuzu wanted Tobi dead as well.

Leader silenced the disgruntled murmurs with a glare from his swirly purple eyes, "We will start from the right side of the room and move to the left." Leader himself had opted out of the secret Santa because no one wanted the gift of Pain from the Rinnegan wielder.

Itachi got Konan a book on flower pressing.

Kisame gave Kakuzu underwear from the latest line of Victoria Secret collection. The others sweat dropped while Kakuzu was secretly contented with the gift only to have one of his hearts have a heart attack when he saw how much money it cost.

Next up was Hidan whose gift to everyone's surprise, didn't look anywhere gory in the least. However, the fact that it was neatly wrapped in plain material with a red bow to side made the Uchiha even more wary. Itachi's distrust was rewarded when he removed the parchment paper and just froze. After the first few minutes in which the Uchiha was still in frozen mode Kisame leaned over, "Hey Itachi, what the hell did you get?" The fish-nin peered over his partners shoulder to look at the item in question, then at the smugly beaming Hidan, then back at the square object in Itachi's hand. Kisame's left hairless eye brow twitched then he burst out into ruckus laughter.

The others shared a glance as Tobi skipped over, "Tobi wants to see!" The masked ninja pried the object from Itachi's hands while the others drew closer blatantly curious to see what could get this reaction from the ever stoic Uchiha. Konan and leader sweat dropped, Zetsu leapt back screeching about his burning eyes while Kakuzu was foaming at the mouth thinking how much money he could make out off selling copies of the item…Deidara got red in the face.

Tobi jumped over Kisame who was bent over clutching his stomach to stand on a table that, like the chimney, magically appeared at the centre of the room. The masked man-child did a twirl with the picture still clutched in his hand, "Oh Deidara-senpai! Tobi had no idea you had a thing for balloons!"

The gift was a picture of an obviously wasted Deidara with his hair up in pigtails with nothing on except a bikini combo made out of balloons of various colours. The blond was winking at the camera and had his left hand on the left-side of his head as if running his hands through his hair while his right hand (when he still had it) was rested on his right hip.

"Shut up Tobi!" The blond leapt at the still grinning missing rain-nin, "I was drunk when I agreed to the bet you sick moron! You promised not to tell anyone, un!"

Hidan merely grinned wider at the blond's stupidity and outrage, "You gullible fucking idiot, evil S-ranked criminals lie Deidara-chan. Plus I didn't _tell _anyone I _showed _them!"

With a high pitched screech, that would have made hormonal teenage girls everywhere proud, Deidara chucked a few clay bombs at the silver haired man.

When Leader finally got Deidara to stop trying to futilely killing Hidan it was time for Konan to give her secret Santa present. The bloody Hidan was given a tube of Rust B Gone to shine his Jashin amulet.

The black and white sides of Zetsu had been fighting for hours trying to think what gift they should get for their secret Santa. Actually, White Zetsu was worrying about the gift while Black Zetsu just argued for arguing's sake; they finally settled to giving Tobi a baby harness complete with leash and reins so that he could forever be attached to his senpai. Deidara was less than pleased and planned to lead Tobi straight off a cliff.

Kisame got divining rods from the still fuming Deidara who said he hoped the fish-nin would go drown himself. The man-shark, who had decided not to waste his time and sanity trying to explaining the purpose of gills to Deidara, instead opted to switch the dumb blond's beauty mask with his exploding clay.

Then it came down to the last two gift-givers, Tobi and Kakuzu and the last two gift-receivers, Deidara and Zetsu. Deidara was left wondering which of the two he wanted a gift from less; cheapskate Kakuzu or…_Tobi. _

Speaking of the man-child-thing, Tobi was steadily rocking back and forth to some rhythm of a song only he could hear. It was not the first time Deidara was left wondering who spawned the guy let alone how the hell he was allowed in this place. Being insane though a characteristic found in almost all its members wasn't a criterion for recruitment.

"DEIDARA-SENPAI!"

The one eyed blond tried to cover his ears with his good arm, an impossible task of course but you try telling that to the insane artist."Would you stop yelling I'm right beside you, un!"

Tobi, used to his easily annoyed teacher's outbursts held out his offering for Deidara to take. The blond snatched the box and viciously ripped off the wrapping tossing it carelessly behind him. What the hell? It looked like a fucked up H; more precisely like a bunch of dried clay stuck together with gum…chewed gum. Thankfully, Deidara had not taken the creation from the box it was in so he had no physical contact with the thing; thank the lord for small mercies.

Tobi knowing nothing about personal space had his face inches from the bewildered and grossed out blond, "Its Tobi and Deidara-senpai holding hands!"

Behind the self-proclaimed good boy, Hidan was laughing his head off, Kakuzu and Kisame sneered; Kisame because he thought it was gross and Kakuzu because there could be no monetary gain from the item, White Zetsu, Konan and Pein wore stoically passive expressions while Black Zetsu kept asking incessantly if he could eat Tobi and Itachi was eerily still. In fact the Sharingan wielder hadn't even blinked since the unveiling of his secret Santa gift…over half an hour ago, only the faint rise and fall of his chest gave any indication that he was still alive.

"Kakuzu-sama wouldn't let Tobi buy any clay so Tobi borrowed some from Deidara-senpai's statues!"

Deidara took all of one second to register the implications of what Tobi just said, but he still wanted to be sure of his justifiable reason for completely annihilating Tobi, wiping him clear off the face of the Earth, Leader's warnings and threats against such actions be damned.

"You destroyed all my beautiful master pieces"

Tobi nodded.

"My precious works of art that I have slaved hours of labour upon"

Again Tobi nodded oblivious to the blond's rising wrath and his imminent doom.

"You demolished them then stuck them together with chewed gum to create this hideous monstrosity"

"Tobi doesn't think it's hideous!" though he nodded none the less.

Deidara balled his remaining hand into a fist that was conveniently beside his exploding clay filled pouch.

Hidan by this point was doubled over tears streaming down his cheeks, "Don't fucking think about it Deidara-_chan_! Just do it!"

Tobi tilted his head to the side, "Do what?" Like the retarded retard he was, Tobi wondered closer to his teacher oblivious to the increasing redness of the blond's normally pale face, "Deidara-senpai you are obviously overjoyed by Tobi's gift and cannot find words to thank Tobi. But no thanks are required; Tobi is just doing what good boys do!"

"_TOBI_!"

* * *

><p>The day when the sky was lit by millions of explosions would forever be told in the villages of the land of Fire. Explosions could be heard for miles and some travelers on the outskirts of Konoha were even lucky to see a blond boy atop a clay bird chasing a lolly-pop masked man who was franticly screaming for his dear life.<p>

"That's right, you better run, un!" screeched Deidara as he tossed another dove shaped clay bomb that just barely missed the fleeing shinobi, "YOU SWIRLY FACED LITTLE SHIT!"

"Aah! But Deidara-senpai, Tobi is a good boy!"

Deidara tossed a few more clay bombs his way snarling as Tobi miraculously dodged every last one, "Tobi will be a dead boy if it's the last thing I do, yeah!"

* * *

><p>Back at the Akatsuki hideout Leader sighed looking up at the new hole Deidara had created in the roof. He ordered the rest to start making the preparations needed for moving to another hideout, seeing as this one was now fully compromised. Rinnegan eyes shifted to the right as the purple haired kunoichi wonder over.<p>

"Fork over the money red, I won!"

Leader only snorted, "Is Tobi dead. NO! So no money for you!"

Itachi, finally breaking free of his silence, rose to his feet to stare at Konan and Leader, "Bet? This was all because of a bet?" It wasn't the first time Itachi had wondered what his life would be like it he wasn't the genius gifted heir of the Uchiha Clan. Maybe he wouldn't have made it to Unbu, wouldn't have found that pimp Madara Uchiha, he wouldn't have unlocked the Mangekyo Sharingan and now be slowly suffering from blindness with the threat of his foolish little brother selling his body and soul to that pedophile Sannin for the power to kill him. Maybe he wouldn't be here at the hell on earth that goes by the mortal name of Akatsuki slowly but surely losing the rest of his sanity to the passing whims of his homicidal loony leader. Perhaps if he was truly a genius he would have run away from Konoha the first chance he got. But Itachi choose to say none of these things as Uchihas were hot-ass genius badasses that did not bemoan their fate…no matter how cruel it was. So instead he turned and vacated the area with Kisame skipping, ahem, following after him.

Konan had won the money regardless as she cleverly stated that the terms were that the Akatsuki would _try _to kill Tobi which Hidan and now Deidara had obviously done.

* * *

><p>redsky100: So that's it for this one and wow, I really never expected it would get this long! Anyways, no need to worry about Tobi; we all know he'll outlive us all and please review!<p>

(1) I totally creeped myself out with the whole Zetsu/Christmas tree thing but I just couldn't stop writing!

(2) I have no clue what the real Shisui was like but do you notice almost all the powerful ninja of Konoha are perverted in some way? There's Naruto and his sexy jutsu, Jiraiya and his _research_, Kakashi and his Icha Icha obsession, Tsunade and those massive melons (look Baa-chan has her cosmetic jutsu yet miraculously couldn't tone done those knockers…_please!_) and let's not forget the bravest pervert that ever walked the earth, Orochimaru (Jiraiya was the biggest _and_ bravest) the 'I will have your body' and 'I must have Sasuke-kun's body' thing…seriously massive hint of his perversion much? And my final case in point, episode 114 Eye Of The Snake (watch it on .com and you'll see what I mean, he wanted the secret of the Sharingan my ass, we all know he just wanted a hot piece of Uchiha ass! In fact I bet this is when he first discovered pedophilia!)

(3) If you watch episode of Naruto shippuden I can't remember which season, when Madara/Tobi was sending Pain and Konan after Naruto, it looked like they were sitting on really big bean bag chairs.

(4) My apologies if anyone was offended, that was not the aim of that statement/ramble. I just wanted to show that Christmas no longer stands for what it used to anymore with all the commercialization and what not.

(5) Sapsucker Damage**: **Pine branches or trunks with circular holes present occurring in horizontal rings or vertical lines forming a distinct pattern; sap flow coming from the holes; damage may occur year around; all pine species are susceptible. This was found at Common Pine Problems .org and no I am not deranged…at least I don't think I am, just severely bored! ;)

(6) SPOILER ALERT! Okay so about that jab at Hidan's death being stupid, I'm not talking about the part where Shikamaru totally owned his ass (EPIC btw!) but after, like _way_ after, in the Fourth Great Shinobi War. Hidan wasn't summoned along with the other dead dudes by Kabuto so I'm assuming that either Hidan eventually got out of that hole (which is highly unlikely seeing that he hardly has a leg to stand on…I know, that was corny but I couldn't resist and like Santa Claus, Shikamaru's deer know and sees all) or is still down in that hole slowly dying from malnutrition which is such a totally lame (but appropriately cunning none the less) death.


End file.
